Watch your language: Differentiating Live and Stay

It amazes me how many people cannot make the distinction between live and stay. It is quite common to hear people tell you that they are "living" in a hotel and they "stay" in San Francisco! People tend to use these two words interchangeably. In reality, these two words have completely different meaning.

Proper use is as follows:

My parents live in San Jose, California.

I am visiting Boston for next few days. I am staying at Hyatt in Cambridge.

Understand very well that "stay" indicates temporary residence and "live" indicates more permanent residence.

Situational Etiquette - Visitor's dilemma

Visitors find themselves in visitor's dilemma more often than you think. Understanding local etiquette is always a challenge. Even people who are quite polished in their understanding of etiquette find themselves struggling in a foreign country.

1. One way out of this dilemma is to watch a local person. For example. American way of using the silverware is quite different from the European way! Many Americans do not even realize that they are violating the European etiquette when they keep switching their fork from left hand to right hand while dining. The European etiquette is to always use your right hand for knife and left hand for your dinner fork. You are not supposed to cut your steak with the knife and then start eating using the fork again in your right hand after you have neatly set the knife across the dinner plate.

2. Another European nuance that is not understood by Americans is the difference between various types of forks. In the US, one finds dinner fork and dessert forks. Both these forks have four prongs. In the Europe, a typical table setting has three types of forks. The dinner fork has four prongs, salad or appetizer fork has three prongs and dessert forks may have four or three prongs. The dessert fork is always shorter in length and that is a good clue.

3. It is customary to be served all the courses while dining in Europe. In the US, people are more practical by opting out a course or two. Some European hosts many find it impolite when you opt out of a course.

Preamble

It is fair to say that most people do not attend a formal manners school. Manners, etiquette, and mannerism is learned through observation and emulation. People learn their manners at school, home, work and other places where they interact with other people. Few people may take the time to read books on the subject. As a consequence, even most highly educated people tend to stumble and run into embarrassing situations for themselves and others. Many a times behavior perfectly acceptable in other cultures may not be as acceptable in the society you live in today. Immigrants tend to run into this problem more often than others.

The simple fact is that how you speak, behave and dress defines where you stand on the rungs of a polite society. With all the riches you may have earned through your success is a wash if your manners and etiquette does not map with that of people you interact. This results in isolation, embarrassment and sometimes humiliation.

The goal of this blog is to educate all people on etiquette and other related matters. This blog is a compilation of shared experience of lots of people. It gets richer as more people share their anecdotes with the author. These are very courageous people! They are willing to talk about these situations which are not exactly very comforting.

Ask yourself the following questions and you would know if you should take the time to read through this blog.

1. Have you wondered whether the coffee cup to your right is yours or the one on the left while seated down for dinner?

2. Have your host introduced somebody else to you but forgot to introduce you to the other person?

3. Have you showed up at a party in your shorts and everybody is elegantly dressed for the party?

4. ...

If the answer to these questions is yes, take the time to read through this blog periodically.

Hugs, Kisses and Shaking hands

1. Shaking hands: Remember a lady decides whether to extend her hand for a handshake and not the other way around.

2. Kisses: If a lady knows you well, she may decide to extend her cheek to give you a light, gentle kiss on your cheek. In which case you should reciprocate and do the same. Always understand that a man cannot impose a kiss on a lady! A kiss is always on the cheek or the forehead. "Canadian kiss" is a the safest bet where you lightly touch your cheek with the lady's cheek.

3. Hugs: Hugs are more commonly accepted practice with people you know well. Again the initiative comes from the lady and not the man.

Entertaining guests

Time and again you will end up hosting friends and families. Here are a few suggestions.

1. Saying No: It is okay to say "no" if it is not convenient to host guests. No need to give any reasons. Simply say that it is not a good time for you to host your guests at this time. Finally it is your prerogative.

2. Food: You may offer couple of cereals accompanied with fruit juice, sliced fruits and tea or coffee for breakfast. You are not obligated to serve hot breakfast.

3. Presentation: Always offer food items on platters and not in containers.

4. Presentation: Make it a practice to set the table with place mats and cutlery. It makes a good presentation.

5. Dietary Restrictions: Always check with your guests if they have any dietary restrictions.

6. Sticking to schedule: Make sure your guests are aware of meal times. You may mention that dinner will be served at around 7 PM.

7. Sticking to schedule: If your guests are sightseeing while visiting you, it is perfectly fine for you to suggest that they have their meals elsewhere if they cannot make it to your home when you normally eat your meals.

8. Remember you are not running a bed and breakfast place.

9. State Dinner: You are not obligated to serve drinks before meals everyday. It is a good idea to set aside one day when you host a "state dinner". This meal you may go all the way out in entertaining your guests. Obviously, every meal cannot be a "state dinner"!

10.Eating Protocol: Make sure all your guests and members of your family sit down and have meals together. It is not appropriate for people to eat at different times. You set the ground rules and not your guests.

Maintaining Relationships

1. Stay in touch periodically with people you want to build relationship or friendship.

2. Send an e-greeting card during festivals, New Year, birthdays and anniversaries.

3. Make sure you reply back to the e-mails you receive from your friends and families. It is not a good idea to ignore those messages. No matter how busy you are, it takes less than thirty seconds to reply back with a short message.

4. If you visit somebody, send a thank you email for their hospitality. This applies for overnight stays, dinners, lunches, birthdays, anniversaries or any other occasion.

5. Remember in this day and age there is no excuse for not communicating. Phone calls are cheap. All it takes is your will and discipline.

Gifts

Deciding on what gifts to give is an eternal problem. Here are some pointers.

1. You are giving a gift as a token of friendship or relationship. Gift does not have to be expensive.

2. A flower bouquet is always a nice default.

3. A bottle of wine is a good idea too. Make sure you not buying a cheap wine though!

4. Students who are invited by families may take a coffee cake. It is symbolic and not expensive at all.

5. A platter, a serving bowl or a decorative vase could make a good gift.

6. These days people give gift cards as a way out. Bookstore gift cards or iTunes gift card always comes handy for children.

7. A box chocolates is another good gift idea.

8. Photo frame could be a good idea under certain circumstances.

9. Avoid re-gifting unless it is appropriate, in original packaging and not used. People can figure out that they have been re-gifted quite easily.

10. Avoid passing of gifts those items get for free at department stores for shopping. For example, steak knives which Sears gives away if spend more than $100, is not the right kind of gift. People can figure that out quickly.

Attending parties

1. Your conduct: Everybody knows you are smart and intelligent. You do not have to prove it by arguing at parties.

2. Your conduct:Thanksgiving and holiday parties are meant to relax and enjoy. Do not contribute to the stress one way or the other.

3. Introductions: Be sure to introduce your children of all ages to your guests and vice-a-versa.

4. Your conduct:Do not get into heated political conversations when visiting friends and families. Gatherings are meant to relax and not get stressed out.

5. Your conduct:Be sure to stand up when you introduce yourself to somebody at a table.

6. Your conduct:It is always polite to ask your host if you may bring along additional guests.

7. Your conduct:When your host requests R.S.V.P., it clearly indicates that you have to accept or decline the invitation before the date indicated on the invitation card.

8. Your conduct:If somebody has invited you to a dinner or lunch at a restaurant, be sure to order alcoholic drinks only if the host invites you to do so. Also, order entrees which are reasonably priced. It is not a good idea to order a lobster entree unless the host indicates it is okay to do so.

9. Introductions: It is important that you introduce both parties. Many a times people introduce only one party.

10. Introductions: While doing introductions, personalize your introductions and keep them short. For example, you may introduce your friend as "my good friend from high school days".

11. Introductions: Always introduce ladies first. If you are introducing two ladies, make sure you introduce the visiting lady first.

12. Conversation: You have recently read a new book. You loved the book and now you want to let the world know that you have read the book. How should start discussing the book with others at a party? It is perfectly fine to inquire if anybody else had read the book. It is more appropriate to ask open ended questions. Inquire what others liked about the book rather than going into a monologue on the book. Most importantly take cues from others if they want to discuss the book further. Do not make mistake of turning the party into a book reading club!

13. Conversational Topics: Select a neutral topic for discussion so as not get emotionally excited. Sports, travel, books, movies etc are good topics. Stay away from politics.

14. You are attending a large gathering at your friend's home. There is an elegant buffet lined up for the guests. You serve a platter full of food and quickly realize that one of the dishes tastes strange. You suspect that the food may have gone bad. What should you do?

Your options:

1. Announce to all the guests that they should not consume that particular dish.
2. Privately let your host know of your suspicion and let the host decide what to do.
3. You go from table to table letting people know of your suspicion.

The recommended option is option #2. You do not have any right to destroy the party or scare the guests. Any good host will take the right steps. Perhaps you are wrong. The dish was meant to taste the way it was.

Visiting friends and families

1. Gifts: It is considered polite to take a token gift, a bottle of wine or a bouquet of flowers when you visit somebody for the first time.

2. House Tours: Do not give yourself a tour of your host's home. Take a tour only if the host invites you take the tour. Only visit the rooms your host wants to show you.

3. Bathroom Use: Always ask your host to show you the bathroom if you need to use it. Do not go on a self-exploration tour house in search of the bathroom.

4. Gifts: If you take a food item when you visit somebody, let the host decide if it will be served during your visit. It is impolite to suggest that the food item should be served during your visit.

5. Trash: If you have young children of diaper wearing age, be sure to dispose off diapers in a trash bin outside the house Or simply ask your host.

6. Clothes: If you are staying at somebody's home, be sure to change into appropriate clothes before exiting your guest bedroom. It is not a good idea to show up in your night clothes. Ideally, take a shower and make yourself presentable.

7. Dining: If you are staying at somebody's home for a few days, it is customary to take your host family out for a meal. But be sure to make that suggestion politely.

8. Hospitality: Be sure to reciprocate the hospitality showered on you by the hosts when you are staying with them. If your host was serving you hot meals during your stay, you are obligated to do the same when your host family is visiting you. Last thing you want to do is to treat them with cold sandwiches.

9. Gifts: Re-gifting is not a good idea unless the gift is its original packaging, not used and most important appropriate for the occasion. It does not take to be a rocket scientist to figure out which gifts are re-gifts!

10. Conversation: You are at your friend's home. You love the home. It looks expensive. You wonder how much it cost. Should you ask your friend how much they paid for it? Absolutely not. You may quite easily find the current value of the house by going to www.zillow.com and entering the street address of the house. Zillow..com provides current house values for most houses in urban US cities.

11. Gadgets: Say you are visiting your friend. You are alone at home with your family. Your daughter suddenly realizes that she has left her hair dryer at home. She has just taken a shower and urgently needs a hair dryer. You are quite sure that the hair dryer is in the master bathroom. Should you sneak in the master bathroom and grab it and give it to your daughter? Absolutely not. Your friend has not given you right to wander around the house just because he has allowed you to stay at his home. No snooping around please!

12. Food: You are all alone with your family at your friend's home. Your hosts have asked you to help yourself to breakfast items. They have showed you where all the breakfast items are. You sit down for breakfast. How much orange juice should you serve yourself and your family? It is polite to use a six ounce glass and pour one helping of orange juice. Last thing you want to do is to pour yourself the orange juice in a sixteen ounce jumbo glass!

13. Drinks: Your friend offered you alcoholic drinks before dinner. You enjoyed the drinks. Late at night after everybody has gone to bed, you were still in the living room watching your favorite show on the television. Should you pour a peg or two of the drink from the bar? Again, the answer is no. Your friend has not given you the right to pour yourself a drink. Control your urge and go to bed sober.

14. Cars: It is always a good idea to rent a car when you are on vacation. Avoid using cars belonging to your friends and family members. This is usually a good practice because if something goes wrong, it is a sure shot way to destroy a relationship. A rental car is covered under your personal car insurance.

15. Gadgets: Let's say you are on vacation and your good friend has graciously allowed you to stay with him at his home. You and your family have been out sightseeing most of the day. You are dead tired. On return to your friend's home you would like to take a short nap. What should you do?

Go ahead and take your nap but for god's sake do not use the sofa in the living room as your bed! Sofas are for sitting and beds are meant for lying down. It is not polite to take your nap on the sofa.

Throwing Parties

1. Invitation: Do not invite guests to your home only when you are celebrating a birthday or anniversary. In short, it is not polite to invite guests for the first time and expect them to bring a present!

2. Receiving guests: If is considered polite to welcome your guests by being at the front door when the guests show up. Ideally, you entire family should be greeting your guests. Be sure to make introductions.

3. Paying attention: Circulate and spend time with your guests during the party. Do not restrict yourself to a few guests you like more than others.

4. Hospitality: Be warm and friendly to your guests. It is not a good idea to invite somebody you do not really like inviting and being indifferent to them.

5. Protocol: You may invite guests for dinner at 7 PM. Be sure to start serving appetizers and drinks within fifteen minutes after the first guest arrives. Dinner should be served within an hour after the first guest arrives. Dessert should follow in about twenty minutes after you have finished dinner accompanied by coffee or tea. If you intend to serve after dinner drinks, serve them along with coffee or tea. Allow guests another fifteen minutes to half an hour before they leave.

6. Protocol: Remember that you should not delay serving dinner just because one or more of your guests have not arrived. You do not want to penalize guests who arrived on time. You do not have to serve appetizers and drinks to guests arriving late. Usher them to dinner table when they arrive.

7. Protocol: Be sure to see your guests off at the front door.